This is 30

This is 30

So often in life, it seems that where we end up or where we thought we would be is so very different than reality. Something about hitting a milestone age really brings that thought or feeling home. So this is 30, huh.

10 Years Ago…

10 years ago I was in college and if you had asked me about my life plan, I would tell you that I would by a certain age like to be married and settled down and maybe be thinking about if not already have 1-2 kids, maybe a house, a thriving photography career and maybe a dog for good measure.

5 Years Ago…

5 years ago I was about to get married. This was the plan, right? I don’t know if I could say I was truly happy. It was a toxic relationship and I was so far in and caught up in the lies and expectations that I was convinced it was the right thing to do despite my better instincts fighting against it. I was ill all the time and had lost an alarming amount of weight.

My upbringing was a bit different. I was raised in a way though that if something was wrong with your relationship you just deal with it, you never talk about your man, boyfriend or husband. You stay and support your man and you love him no matter what. You pray for him and you keep your mouth shut.

3 Years Ago…

3 years ago my husband & I were ready to buy a house. As soon as we closed on the house things got worse, a close friend of mine went through an unimaginable trauma that somehow popped the nightmare bubble I had been living in.

I slowly started realizing how bad my marriage really was and how awful I always felt, that’s when I was introduced to the term, “gaslighting”. Things progressively got worse and sparing you all the dirty details I found myself desperately trying to get out of this marriage that had swallowed me whole.

2 Years Ago…

2 years ago I was finally free. He took most everything and I was starting over. But I was free! I could finally breathe again but had no idea where to start and what to do with my life as everything I had ever thought was the obvious path for me to take was completely stripped away. After visiting several cities in the US with the thought of moving but nothing ever felt quite right. I continued working my new part-time job at Starbucks, working on my photography, and working on myself. I had plenty of trauma to overcome and work through.

1 Year Ago…

A little over a year ago, I had become content to just stay in New Mexico and travel when I got the chance and then my dad got really sick, really quickly and passed away. So much had changed and so much had happened in such a short amount of time. My life was nothing even close to what I thought it would be at this stage of my life. I had just lost my father, I was divorced, no dream house, no children, working at Starbucks and struggling with serious depression & anxiety.

This last year has been a whirlwind of life-changing moments. I traveled to Mexico City for Dia de Los Muertos and experienced a true sense of peace & acceptance about losing my father. I traveled to Morocco, Tunisia, and Portugal. Each place I have traveled to has taught me a different lesson much like each person that comes & goes from my life. I have found a sense of peace about not knowing or needing to have every single thing planned or even having a true clear direction of where I am heading.

In the Last 3 Months

In the last 3 months, I have returned from my latest trip with the determination to follow my heart and instincts and dive headfirst into the world with my heart wide open. I sold almost all of my belongings and I purchased a one-way ticket out of the US. As I sit in my very empty living for the last time enjoying a cup of tea, I am reminded this is 30 and things are just starting to get good. This is where it all starts!

While I spent most of my 20s worried about missing out or not doing the right thing or not saying the right thing, not making the right decision every single moment of my life or worried I was going to miss out on the man of my dreams, I can finally breathe a sigh of relief as I truly understand and accept there is so much freedom & adventure ahead of me. I look & feel good! This is 30!